TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the standard Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the very best. But now, we're constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely from location. Made by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower capabilities:




  • A 3-floor Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable drinking water. But Indeed, certain, let us have One more position where by American Adult males can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are calling this one of the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Whilst former negotiations failed beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: supply everyone a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is tender electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in the war zone. It really is that he should end employing it to lease ballroom Room to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked in regards to the job, replied, "You recognize, gentleman, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great folks. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I continue to have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory in the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the hotel's landscaping types a giant Trump head obvious from House, a function currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits immediately after acquiring the setting up's gold plating reflected much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is not only unpleasant. It's a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Bewildering Capabilities


Probably the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium in which visitors might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local weather Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-calendar year-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Approach: "In the event you Bomb It, They can Come"


The advertisement marketing campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxury is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly Trump Tower Damascus divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "Finally, a Crisis That Pays"


The project is by now attracting focus from Intercontinental traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business amount may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are not able to wait to find out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories advise:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Thoughts with the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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